Do you find that you tend to beat around the bush when it comes to asking for stuff?This can be anything from asking for a raise to asking someone out. You want to ask, but somehow, everytime you try to go for it, you find yourself staying silent. Why is that?
Maybe you’ve been taught that asking for something directly is rude. Maybe you’ve accepted that being direct is the same as being aggressive ,so you politely wait. Sometimes you wait a very long time. You are hoping and praying that the other person spontaneously offers you the thing you so desperately want. Sometimes you drop ‘helpful’ hints which don’t always work in your favor. Sound familiar?
The truth is that much of what you have internalized about asking for what you want is hindering rather than helping your relationships. Here are three things that you may not have previously considered that show the value of asking for things directly.
Directness builds trust
Ever felt like you had to walk on eggshells around someone because you weren’t exactly sure of how they felt? It gets exhausting fast. One surprising fact about asking for what you want directly is that it actually makes you a safer and more trustworthy friend/worker/lover. When you are in the habit of telling the truth about your preferences and your boundaries, other people can relax around you. They never have to wonder if you are really O.K with something or if you’re secretly upset or disappointed. When everyone in your life knows that you can be counted on to ask for what you want directly, they never have to doubt your words or spend extra energy deciphering your actions. In addition, others will have a good understanding of your intentions and motivations which means they never have to worry about whether or not you are manipulating them. In short by being direct, you establish a personal brand based on integrity. This integrity will positively influence your connections long term even if your requests are not always granted in the moment.
Directness creates Intimacy
I once had a friend who always held back when it came to voicing her needs. She had this ‘cool with everything/ you do you vibe’ . She told herself that she was being considerate since she never burdened others with what she viewed as demands and expectations. Over time, she noticed that this ‘good girl’ attitude also kept her emotionally distant from others. She confided in me that she often felt lonely because most of her relationships lacked real depth. It wasn’t until she learned that good relationships aren’t only based on good emotions, that she started to ask for what she wanted directly. To her surprise, for the most part, people reacted well. The more she spoke out about her needs, feelings and views, the more others shared theirs with her. As a result, she was able to establish a far greater level of intimacy with others. The lesson that my friend learned is that while it may seem risky to ask for what your heart desires, the rewards in terms of intimacy and connection far outweigh the risks.
Get your needs met
Last but not least, asking for things directly creates the possibility that you may get your needs met. Ever heard “Good things come to those who wait”? Well, my experience has been that good things come to those who have the courage to ask for them. The people who are in connection with you want to be good to you ,but often, they just don’t know what to do. Help them out by taking the guesswork out of building a good relationship with you by speaking your truth.
by Lena Lang
Big Ask Big Results Communication Coach